Photo by George Pitts
The above photo is my favorite by George Pitts. He was a founding editor of Vibe magazine and the first photographer who ever shot me professionally when I started modelling. I miss him all the time. He passed away in 2017. This photo is of Ellen Stagg, herself an accomplished photographer that also shot me when I lived in New York City. I didn’t have that fun of a time. I always felt out of place as a model, not good enough, and I brought that energy with me to shoots. It’s a miracle I made enough to survive. Other people saw something in the images, I just saw myself trying to hide. This poem made me think of him. It was the first in a series of one hundred poems that I wrote during the pandemic to document the experience of being in lock down.
There Will Be Blood
If I could tell my younger self anything
it would be about the blood,
your blood will get everywhere, and into everything.
You will have so many dreams
that begin and end with perfect love.
If I could tell my younger self anything
it would be about believing anyone who says the right thing,
how approval hits like a drug…
your blood will get everywhere, and into everything.
You will be overwhelmed by the need to be seen
over and over again, you will be undone.
If I could tell my younger self anything:
you will try to build yourself into a perfect machine,
you will carve and cut and sew and pluck and never feel done.
Your blood will get everywhere, and into everything;
but bleeding is what gives life meaning,
and the more blood, the more you’ve done.
If I could tell my younger self anything:
your blood will get everywhere, and into everything.